Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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