Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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