So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
