I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize