if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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