If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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