I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Randomize
