I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
the liver wants what the liver wants
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
