roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
