Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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