her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Swine flu is the new snow day.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
