so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
we should paint friendship bongs
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
