You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
