There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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