My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize