do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
