I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
