Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
