Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
