I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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