I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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