i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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