so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
