if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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