So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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