Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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