I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
