Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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