I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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