my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
