Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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