the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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