If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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