Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
