so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
