the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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