My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
