Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
