OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Randomize
