I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I have fence marks all over my body
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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