Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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