i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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