Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
