Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
