Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
This house was built for laser tag.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
