Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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