you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
