So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
