I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
