My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
