Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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