Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
