Sry I called you an 8
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
