I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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