dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize