I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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