I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
