i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
