Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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