nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
