i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I touched a dick in church today
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize