I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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