WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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