yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
