I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
