Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
