Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
