Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
