Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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